I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
