i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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