If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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