either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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