I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
