I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
The way I see it, if i don't fail the midterm and blow off some of the projects, how else am I going to get motivated to study for the final ?
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
