At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize
