When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Randomize
