Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
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