if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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