when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Randomize
