i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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