mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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