she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Randomize
