If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
