where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
