Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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