K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Randomize
