Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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