What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
We have started to decorate penises.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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