Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
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