meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
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