I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
