and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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