They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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