Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Randomize
