3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
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