Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
