fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
