you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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