Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
