I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
