My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
