so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
