I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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