Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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