Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Randomize
