see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Randomize
