Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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