There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
