I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
