My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Randomize
