he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Randomize
