she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Randomize
