hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
