Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Randomize
