Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Randomize
