I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Randomize
