Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
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