i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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