where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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